All I Want for Christmas is You (to Shut Up)

I'm more than a little angry about this one, so if I curse, you'll have to accept it and move on.  I've been an atheist for almost a decade now, so the concept of Christmas as a religious holiday means very little to me, outside of the fact that the Grinch is on TV fairly frequently.  So when I hear this talk of the "War on Christmas", (a term I believe to be copyrighted by Bill O'Reilly), I don't put much stock in it.  Apparently, there are actually people in this country who care whether or not a Christmas tree has a star on top of it and a manger underneath it.  Even worse, there are people who care whether or not a menorah is on display next to the Christmas tree.  Don't you have anything better to worry about?  I hear there's a couple of wars happening, with one brewing.  Also, shouldn't you be looking for a job since you probably are one of the millions of Americans without one?

Now, I can barely stand religion as it is, but my disgust is particularly poignant during this time of year.  

For all you lax-Catholics who think that going to church for midnight mass, Palm Sunday, and Easter Sunday makes you closer to the front of the line for the Rapture Express, stop kidding yourselves.  Going to Church three times a year (excluding weddings and funerals) doesn't even give you the RIGHT to be offended, let alone the OBLIGATION to be offended, when the Staten Island ferry removes its manger scene. 

Want to know what offends me??  As an atheist, I'm offended by your claiming the country I live in was founded on "Judeo-Christian Values" (a term I believe to be copyrighted by George W. Bush), because it wasn't, no matter how much you want that to be true.  Unfortunately, that's how facts work.  There is a pile of evidence that Thomas Jefferson himself was an atheist, and the oft-quoted statement, "The government of the United States was in no way founded upon the Christian religion," is attributed to none other than Captain America George Washington.  Instead of getting mad, how about you take that anger, turn the other cheek, and head to your local soup kitchen and experience those Judeo-Christian values of charity and selflessness first hand.

 

In New York City, there are countless letters being written to countless editors by countless Christmas curmudgeons who are offended, outraged, incensed, and (one would assume) hopping mad that such-and-such a store didn't say such-and-such a thing but instead said some other thing that wasn't the thing they wanted to hear.  How about this solution, chuckles: the next time someone says "Happy Holidays" why don't you just fucking pretend they said "Happy Hanukkah" or "Merry Christmas" instead? 

On the flip side, if someone says "Merry Christmas", don't start crying that you're Jewish or Buddhist or an atheist and that the person speaking to you should be sensitive to your particular situation.  There comes a point when this whiny sensitivity nonsense needs to stop and we, as a country and as a species, have clearly passed it.  Did it really hurt you that the cashier making minimum wage said "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas"?  Did it really hurt you enough to complain and get him or her fired?  Stop making issues out of things that aren't issues.  Trust me, you'll live longer.

And speaking of longer, since when did Christmas start before Halloween?  This has been well-documented so I won't dwell on it long, but riddle me this: who buys the most Christmas presents?  Christians.  Who are the most easily offended by the stores at which they purchase those presents?  Christians.  You can't have your faith and wrap it in a box to give to your wife too.  If the stores offend you that badly, hit them where it hurts the most and stop shopping there.  Besides, you really shouldn't be buying your spouse a $10,000 diamond for Christmas unless you ROYALLY fucked up this past year.  I thought this season was about celebrating the birth of Jesus (who, by the by, was probably born in the spring)?  If you want to get back to the true meaning of Christmas, you need to stop thinking like a capitalist and start thinking like a Christian.  When that happens, remember what I said earlier about soup kitchens.

At the end of the day the "holiday season" is whatever you want it to be.  Personally, I just enjoy the lights, the decorations, the occasional snow, the TV shows, the hot chocolate, the trees, the ornaments, the stockings, the candles, the colors, and the idea of spending two days with people I love.  So why should I care what you call it?  Call it the holidays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, whatever.  And wish me a happy whatever you want, because odds are I will be happy, and whatever sentiment you extend to me, I'll return in kind.  Remember that the next time you yell at me for wishing you a Merry Christmas because you're Jewish.