I get lots of comments from my students and coworkers regarding metal. "Adam, how can we be as metal as you?" "Adam, why are you such an arrogant prick?" "Adam, what the hell is your problem?" "Adam, can you please turn down your amp? I'm trying to teach 'Frolic' in here."
Heavy metal is quite possibly the 3rd most pretentious form of music behind classical and jazz. Its fans are as rabid and knowledgeable about its artists, and are more than willing to put down every other form of music. But the difference with metal is that the majority of metal fans can (and do) actually attempt to play it with minimal training. So without further ado, I present this metal primer, largely inspired by a future angel of metal. Use your new-found powers only for evil.
METAL 101
1) Everything sucks.
2) It wasn't fast enough.
3) It wasn't loud enough.
4) They're playing it wrong. If they're playing it right, you play it better. And faster.
5) There weren't enough guitar solos.
6) Megadeth is better than Metallica. No exceptions.
7) Do as Manowar says AND as Manowar does.
MANOWAR COROLLARY A) Rock, don't pose.
MANOWAR COROLLARY B) Do not wear cracker-jack clothes.
8) There is no middle voice. Your vocal options are Rob Halford or Chuck Schuldiner. Anything else sucks.
9) There's no crying in metal, unless your tears are made of blood (your own or someone else's).
10) Those that try and don't survive don't hit, 'cause they're wimps.
11) It's not a "venue". It's a "hall". And if you're not into metal, you can leave it.
12) The proper stance for metal musicians watching other metal musicians is arms folded across your chest, with a smug look of disdain on your face, especially during a solo by whatever instrument you play.
EXCLUSION CLAUSE: Rule 12 does not apply if you are a drummer watching Richard Christy, a guitar player watching Marty Friedman, or a bass player watching Steve Harris.
13) Emphasize T's in words, especially meTal.
14) BE ABLE TO READ MUSIC. In case someone tries to prove that old joke about a rock musician and his or her volume, you can shock the hell out of them when you rip through a single-voice "Ode to Joy" with both the gain and volume on 10. And the metronome on 208.
15) Be able to hold your liquor (21+ only). Puking is NOT metal, sobbing is NOT metal, and trying to lead a slurred sing-along of "Sweet Home Alabama" is CERTAINLY not metal.
16) For all situations not covered by this list, refer to rule 7.
If you follow these rules, you will succeed in your dream of becoming meTal, and in so doing add to my ever-growing army of the undead. Feel free to suggest additions, even though they'll suck.
Metal sucks. Get over it.
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