Same Old Song and Dance

I know at least one of you has asked yourself recently, "Hey, where's that jerk been?  You know, the guy who posts his opinions about things no one asked him about?"

Hi! Here I am!  I had been sullenly and silently debating with the only other individual who's opinions count as much as my own, and when I at last manned up and asked my reflection what he thought of overhauling Big Pretentious Words, he said that I should probably stop taking random hallucinogenic drugs handed to me by people on the street just stick to the what I know: everything.

Luckily for him, I agreed.  So today I bring you an introduction to the new original Big Pretentious Words.  No longer will I attempt to digest and regurgitate my experiences as a graduate student until I begin writing my thesis (t-minus 3 months).  Instead, I will be spewing superfluous opinions on Life, The Universe, and Everything, topics about which others (particularly Brits) have written far more concisely and cogently, but not nearly as arrogantly (except Brits).  I'd love to be known as the realest motherfucker on the face of the internet, but I'll probably only be thought of as the second half of that title when I'm thought of at all.  So be it.  Flying under your radar will allow me to sneak unseen into your brain avoid another class-action lawsuit.

To begin, I'd like to mention the rampant charades being paraded around that self-righteous time sink people call social media regarding the Japanese tsunami and ensuing nuclear crisis.  By the by, if you feel the need to mention the irony of me posting this blog to Facebook, first look up "irony", then look up "trite".

Back to the problem at hand: there is no problem, at least not for almost every single person on my admittedly, and understandably, scant list of Facebook friends.  Yet most of them saw fit to mention that they would be "keeping Japan" in their collective "prayers" while their "heart went out" to the Japanese people.  All of that is a lie.  Most of the people who were most vocal on Facebook probably spent their lunch break doing something like this:

"And then Charlie Sheen said his salad was winning!"

Meanwhile, on an aircraft carrier in the South China Sea, this was happening:

"What does the asshole from Men at Work have to do with this?!?"

If I learned nothing else from kindergarten (and I didn't), it's that actions speak louder (and hit harder) than words.  While it's wonderful that you say you're praying for the victims of the tsunami, that won't put clean water in their cups, or food in their stomachs.  It won't do anything except make you feel better about eating a $10 salad and let your friends know that you read/watch the news. 

And please remember that that being selfish doesn't make you a bad person.  It makes you a person, a member of the human species whose main goals are survival and reproduction.  But in the future, please spare the rest of us the guilt-ridden inner thoughts that drive you to update your status with "OMG Japan is fuuuucked...I feel so bad for them :(" when ten minutes later you're asking whether you should eat a grilled chicken salad or Indian food when you go to lunch.