DISCLAIMER: Don't be offended by anything I say here. This is a collection of problems that have been building up for the past couple of years. If you think I'm referring to you, I'm probably not. But some introspection probably couldn't hurt either.
Anyone who's known me for more than fifteen minutes knows that music is a massive part of my life. It's the profession by which I make 90% of my money, and to which I've dedicated approximately 50% of the time I've spent on earth. Music has cost me 13 years, thousands of dollars, and a minimum of one (1) relationship. In fact, I am entirely positive that I would be finishing my Ph.D. this spring if I didn't take a few years off to pursue that whole rockstar dream and in the process become much better at my instrument, the concept of music as a profession, marketing, and panhandling.
Recently though, I've become disillusioned with everything I do musically (not the first time this has happened). I'm not bored, per se, but I am certainly feeling like I'm spinning my wheels. I gig more often than ever, and am learning more songs than ever, but the creeping feelings of inferiority are getting stronger, and the people with whom I'm closest musically seem to be starting to hate what we do.
Allow me to explain. You see, I'm not very good at guitar. Ok, that's a lie. I am a good player in that I can physically find my way around the instrument. I have an intimate knowledge of harmony and I'm not limited to one or two styles of music. I'm by no means the most versatile guy out there, but in my opinion (feel free to dispute this privately if you wish), I can hold my own on any gig with any players. While I may not floor the audience I certainly won't embarrass the band in any way (except for isolated incidents where I hit a Bb instead of an Eb in Purple Rain...ahboo). I can be technical, I can be loose, but I certainly don't have the chops, the improvisational skills, or the catalog of some people out there.
What I do have, and, consequently, why I think I get hired consistently over people who are either better players or better singers (or both), are
All of this is just to say that while I may not be the best, I will do MY best to make YOU sound better. I'll also show up with a positive attitude, ready to work, and committed to the gig or rehearsal. Out of the countless rehearsals I've done, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've shown up actually (not perceived to be) unprepared, and even those times I've only been semi-unprepared.
Furthermore, I can always be counted on for a successful gig. If I'm not prepared at a rehearsal, the rest of the band rarely comments on that because they know I'll be more than prepared for the gig. I can only point to one occasion where a band member chewed me out at rehearsal for a lack of preparation, and, in his words, it was "because I sort of expect a certain level from you and it was weird that you weren't there tonight". Then we got drunk and two days later played a ridiculously awesome gig.
So what does any of that have to do with other musicians? It boils down to the fact that recently many musicians I know seem jaded and disillusioned, frustrated that they aren't more successful or better known or being asked to play bigger gigs. Worse than that, it comes out in stage behavior. I see people play, or am playing with them, and they are quite clearly not having a very good time. And worst of all, I get the feeling that at least one of them is going to leave music behind entirely and pursue a "real job" simply because the person feels it's time to "grow up". Really? Personally, I've invested far too much effort in my musicianship to quit entirely, and I can't imagine anyone at that level wanting to completely back out.
It's really tough to show up to a rehearsal or gig slightly giddy and smiling only to have everyone else in the room look at me like I'm some kind of moron for actually wanting to be there. Maybe it actually is me, maybe I am the idiot for loving playing. I certainly feel like it more often than not. Is it wrong that I sort of want to be friends with the people with whom I play music? Is it wrong for me to be in it for both money and fun? Is it wrong for me to be slightly nervous at gig because I'm not SO hardcore pro that I think I'll be amazing no matter what (the "I Got It" syndrome)?
Or, maybe, the answer is that I'm just not good enough to hang with the "real players", that enthusiasm, passion, slightly above-average talent, and love of music can only take me so far before you'd rather have a jerkoff on the gig who hates you, hates rehearsing, hates the music you play, and is only there for a paycheck. He or she WILL floor the audience with his or her grasp of the instrument, but will also play with charts, sit away from the band, look miserable, and fly out of the place as soon as the gig is over. And good luck getting that person to ever return the favor by throwing you a gig.
Of course, there's sarcasm there. The most talented "real players" I've ever played with are also the most humble and most excited. They mess up sometimes, and are slightly nervous like me, but they carry themselves with the same passion and enthusiasm that I like to think I do. And I'd like to be them someday. All I'm missing is the 20 years of experience and practice they have on me.
Either way, I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of being happy to play music when no one else is. I'm tired of being grateful and happy for every gig thrown to me when others act like they deserve the gig just for being the amazing musician they are (protip: they don't). I'm tired of the "I Got It" syndrome. I'm tired of booking gigs only to have three people tell me they'd rather not play that weekend because they want to go on a picnic or read comic books. I'm tired of clearing six days of my schedule for a rehearsal only to have someone tell me that they need to have the rehearsal on the only day of the week I can't do because the rest of the band refuses to inconvenience themselves. Then, when I blow off my previous engagement and show up to that rehearsal anyway, everyone else there is either miserable or unprepared.
The bottom line is that if what I believe is true, that my passion and enthusiasm get me hired more so than my playing ability, and both of those things are slipping away because it sucks being the only interested person in the room, then music is about to become a very poor career. Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to be excited to play music when everyone around me exudes apathy towards it. Being happy to play music is becoming more work than the learning and playing itself, and I don't know what the solution to this problem can be.
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