I get lots of comments from my students and coworkers regarding metal. "Adam, how can we be as metal as you?" "Adam, why are you such an arrogant prick?" "Adam, what the hell is your problem?" "Adam, can you please turn down your amp? I'm trying to teach 'Frolic' in here."
Heavy metal is quite possibly the 3rd most pretentious form of music behind classical and jazz. Its fans are as rabid and knowledgeable about its artists, and are more than willing to put down every other form of music. But the difference with metal is that the majority of metal fans can (and do) actually attempt to play it with minimal training. So without further ado, I present this metal primer, largely inspired by a future angel of metal. Use your new-found powers only for evil.
METAL 101
1) Everything sucks.
2) It wasn't fast enough.
3) It wasn't loud enough.
4) They're playing it wrong. If they're playing it right, you play it better. And faster.
5) There weren't enough guitar solos.
6) Megadeth is better than Metallica. No exceptions.
7) Do as Manowar says AND as Manowar does.
MANOWAR COROLLARY A) Rock, don't pose.
MANOWAR COROLLARY B) Do not wear cracker-jack clothes.
8) There is no middle voice. Your vocal options are Rob Halford or Chuck Schuldiner. Anything else sucks.
9) There's no crying in metal, unless your tears are made of blood (your own or someone else's).
10) Those that try and don't survive don't hit, 'cause they're wimps.
11) It's not a "venue". It's a "hall". And if you're not into metal, you can leave it.
12) The proper stance for metal musicians watching other metal musicians is arms folded across your chest, with a smug look of disdain on your face, especially during a solo by whatever instrument you play.
EXCLUSION CLAUSE: Rule 12 does not apply if you are a drummer watching Richard Christy, a guitar player watching Marty Friedman, or a bass player watching Steve Harris.
13) Emphasize T's in words, especially meTal.
14) BE ABLE TO READ MUSIC. In case someone tries to prove that old joke about a rock musician and his or her volume, you can shock the hell out of them when you rip through a single-voice "Ode to Joy" with both the gain and volume on 10. And the metronome on 208.
15) Be able to hold your liquor (21+ only). Puking is NOT metal, sobbing is NOT metal, and trying to lead a slurred sing-along of "Sweet Home Alabama" is CERTAINLY not metal.
16) For all situations not covered by this list, refer to rule 7.
If you follow these rules, you will succeed in your dream of becoming meTal, and in so doing add to my ever-growing army of the undead. Feel free to suggest additions, even though they'll suck.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Don't Yous Gets No Idears
Unfortunately for pretty much every single person that knows me, two of my favorite discussion topics are politics and religion. Now, everyone knows the taboo regarding such discussions. Apparently it's something that shouldn't be done, even amongst friends. When did this development occur? I'm fairly certain that America exists because a bunch of rich men, including an author/inventor, a slave-owning tobacco farmer, and a career military man sat around one day smoking hemp and discussing the current political structure of their little system of colonies. So why, when I bring up the current political structures, do I get a sea of nervous faces, or, occasionally, angry rebukes? It seems to my somewhat-paranoid brain that this social taboo is part of an effort to reduce intelligent debate that may or may not be critical of entrenched world power structures. Or, to cleverly reference my own title, "they don't wants us gettin' no idears."
I think this conclusion is best illustrated by the rampant anti-intellectualism and gradual dumbing-down of people in the United States. We rank below the top 20 in world-wide education, and that includes K-12 Math and Science (48th, USA Today 9/26/10), Literacy (21st, UN Literacy Report 2009), and Medical Science (37th, WHO 2000). Even scarier is the fact that, ranked above us on these lists, are countries including Cambodia, Colombia, Malaysia, Slovenia, Chile, Indonesia, etc. These are countries with notoriously restrictive political regimes, and, in our supposedly free society, education is apparently highly discouraged. Or, more precisely, the application of education to question/critique the government in a public setting among strangers or friends is highly discouraged.
Of course, I'm not saying one need be highly educated to discuss politics. In fact, the opposite is true. If something the government is doing feels wrong, then it probably is. Yet the taboo prevents us from piping up amongst our brethren. It stops us from attempting to organize! If at a bar I decide to say, "You know what bothers me? This whole stupid healthcare reform bill that Obama pushed through Congress instead of creating jobs. It doesn't even work!", the most common response will be "Yeah man, it sucks but what are we gonna do? Besides, we're drinking, there's no room for that kinda stuff now." Then we return to watching the Yankees or Giants while I sit there seething.
My politics are no secret. If you're reading this, you probably know where I stand on most current issues. But for posterity's sake, let me say this: I love the Tea Party. I'll repeat that in case you fainted. I love the Tea Party. Now, I hate their message, and I hate their leaders, and I vehemently disagree with almost every single person who belongs to it. But they organized. They were unhappy with the government, and they all discussed it, and they all organized. They ignored the taboo because enough was enough in their eyes. They rallied behind common leaders and a semi-common message, and managed to get their candidates through a primary against comically-entrenched incumbent Republicans.
That's the kind of thing that happens when people discuss politics. They tend to organize and group under a banner, which is a scary thing for an entrenched power structure to witness. After all, governments are, ideally, beholden to the social contract. If a government's people aren't happy, that government shouldn't be happy. I'll go one further and say that if a government's people aren't happy, that government should be scared. The unwritten social taboo that forbids discussion of politics in public settings, with friends or strangers, needs to go the way of other, similarly-dangerous social taboos, such as women working or men being allowed to hit their wives or people with AIDS being forbidden from drinking at water fountains. It's common sense that politics are important in each of our lives, and the free exchange of ideas via political debates amongst friends shouldn't fall victim to the culture of stupidity.
Then again, a big part of what I seek rests on people's ability to agree to disagree sometimes. Maybe this isn't such a hot idear after all...
I think this conclusion is best illustrated by the rampant anti-intellectualism and gradual dumbing-down of people in the United States. We rank below the top 20 in world-wide education, and that includes K-12 Math and Science (48th, USA Today 9/26/10), Literacy (21st, UN Literacy Report 2009), and Medical Science (37th, WHO 2000). Even scarier is the fact that, ranked above us on these lists, are countries including Cambodia, Colombia, Malaysia, Slovenia, Chile, Indonesia, etc. These are countries with notoriously restrictive political regimes, and, in our supposedly free society, education is apparently highly discouraged. Or, more precisely, the application of education to question/critique the government in a public setting among strangers or friends is highly discouraged.
Of course, I'm not saying one need be highly educated to discuss politics. In fact, the opposite is true. If something the government is doing feels wrong, then it probably is. Yet the taboo prevents us from piping up amongst our brethren. It stops us from attempting to organize! If at a bar I decide to say, "You know what bothers me? This whole stupid healthcare reform bill that Obama pushed through Congress instead of creating jobs. It doesn't even work!", the most common response will be "Yeah man, it sucks but what are we gonna do? Besides, we're drinking, there's no room for that kinda stuff now." Then we return to watching the Yankees or Giants while I sit there seething.
My politics are no secret. If you're reading this, you probably know where I stand on most current issues. But for posterity's sake, let me say this: I love the Tea Party. I'll repeat that in case you fainted. I love the Tea Party. Now, I hate their message, and I hate their leaders, and I vehemently disagree with almost every single person who belongs to it. But they organized. They were unhappy with the government, and they all discussed it, and they all organized. They ignored the taboo because enough was enough in their eyes. They rallied behind common leaders and a semi-common message, and managed to get their candidates through a primary against comically-entrenched incumbent Republicans.
That's the kind of thing that happens when people discuss politics. They tend to organize and group under a banner, which is a scary thing for an entrenched power structure to witness. After all, governments are, ideally, beholden to the social contract. If a government's people aren't happy, that government shouldn't be happy. I'll go one further and say that if a government's people aren't happy, that government should be scared. The unwritten social taboo that forbids discussion of politics in public settings, with friends or strangers, needs to go the way of other, similarly-dangerous social taboos, such as women working or men being allowed to hit their wives or people with AIDS being forbidden from drinking at water fountains. It's common sense that politics are important in each of our lives, and the free exchange of ideas via political debates amongst friends shouldn't fall victim to the culture of stupidity.
Then again, a big part of what I seek rests on people's ability to agree to disagree sometimes. Maybe this isn't such a hot idear after all...
Saturday, November 13, 2010
"Do You Actually Like that Shit?"
The title of today's rather brief musings comes verbatim from a friend of mine who posed that question to me last night. He was wondering, in that slightly arrogant but unpretentious way of his, if teaching guitar was really musically satisfying to me. With the annual rock concert looming on the horizon (i.e., tomorrow), I can unequivocally answer that with an emphatic "yes."
One of the nice things about being pretentious is that you feel a sort of responsibility to back your mouth up. In my case, that involves being able to discuss French intellectualism while simultaneously ripping a guitar solo. Even better than that, though, is the fact that I get paid to teach other people how to rip solos too. How can that NOT be musically satisfying? The feeling I get when a student lights up with that "Eureeka!" moment is completely unmatched. It's the culmination of countless hours of lesson preparation and execution on my part alongside diligent practice on the student's part, and his or her ascension to the next level of musicianship is just the coolest thing ever. You can actually see the fire inside them burn brighter, and you know you've just created a monster.
Of course, it's not all happy-fun-sunshine-time when teaching. Let's face it: there are some people who have no business picking up a musical instrument, and they are only there to kill time or because their parents are forcing them to go. HOWEVER, the flip-side of that down-side is when you actually manage to break through to one of those lunatics and they start to get just how awesome music can be. When the kid who's hated music and lessons for 3 months all of a sudden improves by leaps and bounds and starts asking for more homework, I feel the same teacher-pride as when the naturals finally master that Bach piece or the bridge from whatever ridiculous prog-metal epic they asked me to transcribe.
And before you try to out-pretentious me and tell me music students shouldn't be learning prog-metal and instead should be focusing on classical/jazz/theory/technique/whatever stupid thing you think is most important, believe me when I say that music itself is the most important thing that a music teacher should teach. And that's why this job is so deeply satisfying to me. If I accomplish absolutely nothing else in my life (perhaps as a result of a tragic lawnmower accident), I know that I've inspired more than a few kids to love and share music. That isn't an arrogance thing either, just in case you were wondering. Both kids and parents have approached me and thanked me for bringing music into their lives, and unlike most other times I say this phrase, I can honestly say it was both my pleasure and privilege to do so.
One of the nice things about being pretentious is that you feel a sort of responsibility to back your mouth up. In my case, that involves being able to discuss French intellectualism while simultaneously ripping a guitar solo. Even better than that, though, is the fact that I get paid to teach other people how to rip solos too. How can that NOT be musically satisfying? The feeling I get when a student lights up with that "Eureeka!" moment is completely unmatched. It's the culmination of countless hours of lesson preparation and execution on my part alongside diligent practice on the student's part, and his or her ascension to the next level of musicianship is just the coolest thing ever. You can actually see the fire inside them burn brighter, and you know you've just created a monster.
Of course, it's not all happy-fun-sunshine-time when teaching. Let's face it: there are some people who have no business picking up a musical instrument, and they are only there to kill time or because their parents are forcing them to go. HOWEVER, the flip-side of that down-side is when you actually manage to break through to one of those lunatics and they start to get just how awesome music can be. When the kid who's hated music and lessons for 3 months all of a sudden improves by leaps and bounds and starts asking for more homework, I feel the same teacher-pride as when the naturals finally master that Bach piece or the bridge from whatever ridiculous prog-metal epic they asked me to transcribe.
And before you try to out-pretentious me and tell me music students shouldn't be learning prog-metal and instead should be focusing on classical/jazz/theory/technique/whatever stupid thing you think is most important, believe me when I say that music itself is the most important thing that a music teacher should teach. And that's why this job is so deeply satisfying to me. If I accomplish absolutely nothing else in my life (perhaps as a result of a tragic lawnmower accident), I know that I've inspired more than a few kids to love and share music. That isn't an arrogance thing either, just in case you were wondering. Both kids and parents have approached me and thanked me for bringing music into their lives, and unlike most other times I say this phrase, I can honestly say it was both my pleasure and privilege to do so.
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